According to tradition and etiquette, second weddings should be simple and casual instead of being formal and excessive. However, the number of second or encore weddings rises steadily each year. Such a ceremony is planned to celebrate two people who want to embark on a new marriage with different partners. Note that many of the old traditions in weddings are now considered sexist, so modern couples are exploring the creation of new traditions and activities, making modern weddings more interesting for everyone!
Etiquette In Revealing Your Engagement
The pressing concern in planning a second wedding is how to announce this to your children. The children should always be the first be notified of your decision to remarry, as your second marriage would combine two already-established families. Expect your children to be stressed by your move and they would require a certain amount of time to accept the situation.
The bride and groom's parents should be the next to be told and then the respective exes. The ex-wife or ex-husband should make an effort to placate the children and reassure them about their roles in the new family.
Engagement rings from the past should no longer be worn based on second wedding etiquette. All signs of previous relationships should be removed once planning for the wedding and announcements are made.
A second marriage can be announced in other ways such as advertising it in the newspaper, making e-mails and phone calls. Based on second wedding etiquette, the couple does not have to host an engagement party but a small gathering can be organized where you can make that important announcement.
Who's Attending?
Almost anybody can attend your second wedding. However, in observance of second wedding etiquette ex-spouses and former in-laws should not be invited even if you are on speaking terms to prevent awkwardness among the other guests.
The bride and groom should determine a realistic budget for the wedding. A second wedding is a rare chance to again have the wedding of your dreams, and it could be elegant, extravagant and intimate.
Oaths and Ceremonies
Second weddings are usually done in civil ceremonies but can also be done in a religious ceremony. They are many ways to make the ceremony feel quite intimate and special. Writing vows is common for a second wedding and there is an abundance of books written about it. The children can be assigned to do an important part of the ceremony in order to promote unity. They could escort you while walking down the aisle, read passages from the Bible or serve as attendants in the event.
The closest relatives and friends of the new couple can walk down the aisle as well or no one at all.
Are Bridal Showers Acceptable?
Bridal showers for encore brides are normal but they need to abide by with second etiquette rules. Only those invited to the wedding should be invited. Club, office, and school showers could also be done and may be attended by those not on the official guest list. However, those who attended the bride's first wedding should not participate.
Wedding Presents and Registry
Guests should make up the registry. Some guests will have the uncontrollable urge to give something even if the couple does not request gifts. It's also acceptable for encore couples to establish the gift registry.
Wedding Present Ideas for Second Marriages
Coffee maker, pasta maker, cookbooks
Gift certificates -- restaurants, spas, stores
DVD player and DVDs
Charity Donations
Wedding Receptions and Festivities
The reception of a second wedding may be extravagant or simple depending on the wishes of the couple. The bride and groom will be the head of the line and followed by their children. The traditional garter and bridal bouquet toss are not obligatory.
Not Required In A Second Marriage
* Procession
* Rehearsal Dinner
* Accompanying the bride down the aisle
* Attendants
Sound Advice
- Create a gift registry even if you don't want gifts.
- Give the children responsibilities in the ceremony.
- Adapt and personalize the wedding and reception.
Try to Avoid
- Doing the same activities like in your first wedding.
- Wearing a similar wedding gown.
- Holding the wedding in the exact spot of your first wedding.
- Using old rings from a previous marriage.
- Criticizing previous spouses.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Thursday 24 February 2011
Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship
Preventing the Girlfriend-Boyfriend Relationship
A Two-Part Article
By Amatullah Islam
Part One
Zina (fornication) has become a commonplace occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when most Muslim parents virtually put their children under 'lock and key'. The answer is that although most parents are strict where their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of "no boyfriend" when their daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do?
The following article highlights ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.
In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahatma (non-Mahatma is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married! Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship.
At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or 'an affair'. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, sexual diseases - the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: Ibn Masoud (r.a.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community." [Bukhari and Muslim]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Muslim].
But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished - he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [Muslim]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (s.a.w) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Hellfire [Bukhari].
At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul.
Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allah bestows mercy upon: Abu Hurairah (r.a.a) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said that among the seven persons whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allah. [Bukhari and Muslim].
Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.
You must teach him or her to:
1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex.
2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allah tells us: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts..." [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "...do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]
3. For girls, teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahatma. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) "...do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you..." [33:32]
4. Last but not least, teach them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijabs and loose clothing while boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with t-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashionclothing which, in most cases, do not meet the requirement of acceptable Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons.
It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex. Regarding shyness, we should use the Prophet (s.a.w) as an example: Abu Said Al Khudri (r.a.a) reported that the Prophet (s.a.w) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Bukhari] If we instill this into them at an early age then, Insha' Allah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship'.
In the next issue, Insha' Allah, we will discuss the ways in which parents can deal with the situation when they have discovered that their daughter or son is in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.
Part Two
In the last article I talked about taking preventative measures to ensure that when your child is older, he or she will not be caught in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. However, if your child is already a teenager or those methods did not work, and you are now facing this dilemma, there is still hope of rectifying it.
Most parents react with extremity upon discovering that their daughter is in a girlfriend-boyfriend situation: they lock her in her room and forbid her to see the boy again. What would be the reaction from the girl when she is faced with this? She would rebel. That is, she would do the opposite of what the parents say and, in extreme cases, run away from home. If this is not how parents want it to end, they must tread lightly. Do everything with a light touch because teenagers respond better to it. At any signs of heavy-handedness, teenagers rebel.
The first step in any bridge-building is to talk. Calmly talk to your daughter to understand why she is having a boyfriend.
What led to this?
There are many reasons why girls seek out boys. The first culprit that parents point the accusing finger at, is the girl's raging hormones. This may be true in some girls but not all. There are girls who have raging hormones but who can control themselves, and then there are girls who do not have raging hormones but who still pursue the opposite sex.
Therefore, what are some other possible reasons for the girl's behaviour?
Peer pressure is one. When all her friends and school mates have boyfriends, she feels compelled to follow suit. If she does not have a boyfriend of her own then she feels left out because she cannot fit in with their after school activities and cannot join in their conversations. What makes it worse is that everyone will see her as a "geek".
Another reason is if she is undertaking a popularity contest. She competes with other girls in attaining as many boyfriends as she can to see who will be the popularity queen. These contests also occur because it is seen that only popular girls have boyfriends.
Boredom often drives a girl into the arms of a boy. She sees her life as monotonous and so searches for thrill and excitement with the boy.
Or perhaps her self-esteem is low, so she depends on him to make her feel desirable and wanted.
Yet another reason is that she needs to be loved. She seeks her parents love but cannot access it, therefore, she seeks it elsewhere. Similar to this is if she is seeking her parents attention. She defies them in seeking a boyfriend so that she can have their attention. Any attention to her is better than no attention. The difference between the need for love and the need for attention is that the former does it passively. If she cannot get it from her parents then she goes elsewhere. Whereas the latter demands it from her parents.
There could be other reasons or the reasons could be a combination of the above. However, whatever the reason or reasons may be, parents need to identify and understand it. This is easier than it sounds as parents have a tendency of triggering their daughters to clam up.
How to approach them
When parents talk, care needs to be taken so as not to become accusative ("You did this to...") and judgmental ("You are so..."), otherwise it will end up like a police interrogation ("Why did you...?"). This only adds to their daughter's defiance. Also, to keep her self-esteem intact, avoid using "should", "don't" and all other negative words.
Talking effectively also means to know when to listen. This includes not only hearing but understanding. To understand what has been said, parents need to clarify it ("Do you mean...?"), acknowledge it ("You feel... because...") and empathise with it ("You sound really..."). When the teenager feels that her parents understand her, she will be encouraged to confide in them and explain why she does things and how she feels about it. And as I said earlier, by understanding, parents will get the full picture and will then know which appropriate action to take. Also, if parents want to be listened to by their children, they need to model good listening skills. Children tend to do as parents do rather than as parents say. So now is always a good time to start practising these skills.
Insecurity
Looking closer at the above reasons, parents will see that the underlying factor is that the girl feels insecure about herself. Her self-esteem is low and so she relies on the boy to make her feel good about herself. The root of falling into the trap of peer-pressures, popularity contests, the need to be wanted and loved, and to have attention, is insecurity. If this is the case then give her the love and attention that she needs. Show and tell her that you love her despite her "bad" behaviours, and yet you will not tolerate them. Teach her how to feel good about herself and her religion. Build her self-esteem by acknowledging her good behaviours and achievements or her attempts to achieve (and not focusing on failures). Assign her challenging tasks and stimulating activities. This also applies to the bored daughter. Take her to teenage Islamic gatherings and camps. Encourage her to make new Muslim friends. As to the one with raging hormones who cannot control herself, ask her if she would like to marry (but do not force it upon her).
Certainly, remind her that it is the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship that cannot be approved and teach her (again) about Islam's position with regards to this. Lastly, provide Muslim role models for her. Stories about those women who guard their chastity and piety are are rewarded for doing so. Maryam, mother of Prophet Eesa (a.s), is one great example.
Don't forget about the boys
Having taken care of the daughter, I will now focus attention on the son. It is ironical that parents react as if there is a death in the family when their daughter engages in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. But when it is the son who is in a similar or worst position, the same parents are complaisant. They feel that the boy needs to have experience and enjoy himself first before he can settle down and marry. It is as if the daughter alone carries the honour of the family.
Honour needs to be distributed evenly among the family if it is to be kept intact. This means the father, mother, son and daughter must each guard their own honour. If the father or mother loses his or her honour then they are providing the role model for their children. And if the son loses his honour and goes unpunished then the daughter will see this as a hypocritical act and consequently rebels. For any mediating action to work on the daughter, parents must be consistent on their son as well. Look to the reasons why girls pursue boys then parents will see that those are the same ones that propel boys into the arms of girls.
This article was first published in the 22nd issue of Nida'ul Islam magazine (http://www.islam.org.au), February - March 1998.
A Two-Part Article
By Amatullah Islam
Part One
Zina (fornication) has become a commonplace occurrence within the Muslim Youth community, and the Muslim girls and boys have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. You may wonder how can such a situation occur when most Muslim parents virtually put their children under 'lock and key'. The answer is that although most parents are strict where their children are concerned, they do not take the time to talk and explain to them about the seriousness of Zina. Instead, they give a Fatwa of "no boyfriend" when their daughters reach puberty. Such an action is like ordering a two year old child not to touch the power point. What do you think the child will do?
The following article highlights ways in which we can teach our children to shun this corrupt act.
In Islam, there is no such thing as a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are either married or you are not. This is what we have to ingrain into our children at the early stage. We should not wait for them to come to us when they are teenagers to ask about girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. At this late stage, even if we forbid them to have such a relationship, how certain are we that they will obey us if they are smitten by someone? Hence, it is important that we teach our children that the only time a girl or boy can have a relationship with a non-Mahatma (non-Mahatma is someone whom they can marry) is when they are married! Furthermore, if a girl or boy enters into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship then he/she is entering into a pre-marital relationship.
At the teenage level, we should not be shy to teach them the severity of pre-marital relationship. We need to make them understand that that pre-marital relationships are like the extra-marital relationships, or what is commonly known as adultery or 'an affair'. It ruins the community by corrupting the people. It unleashes base desires that, once allowed free-reign, will destroy families. We can quote to them the examples of illegitimate and abandoned children, broken homes, abortions, sexual diseases - the list goes on. We should also point out to them the punishment for sexual relationships outside of marriage: Ibn Masoud (r.a.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community." [Bukhari and Muslim]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Muslim].
But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished - he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [Muslim]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (s.a.w) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Hellfire [Bukhari].
At this stage your teenage child may say that girlfriend-boyfriend relationships need not go as far as the sexual act; that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company. To counter this, you say that it is a fact when a girl and a boy are alone together, their sexual desires awaken and before they know it, they will be doing things that are not permissible between unmarried people. The reason for this is because Shaytaan will be the third person with them [Ahmad] and he will whisper and tempt them with the forbidden. This is why Islam shuns all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul.
Something else we must teach them is to restrain their desires. We can do so by giving them examples of the rewards for doing so, such as the person who controls his lust will be among people who Allah bestows mercy upon: Abu Hurairah (r.a.a) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said that among the seven persons whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man who is tempted by a beautiful woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allah. [Bukhari and Muslim].
Below are more points on how to help your child, at an early age, to be chaste so that when he/she is older, he/she can avoid getting into a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. First, you must talk and explain to them these things when they are young, then when they are older, you make sure that it is put into practice.
You must teach him or her to:
1. Not to freely mix with the opposite sex.
2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allah tells us: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts..." [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "...do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]
3. For girls, teach them not to make their voices seductive or sweet in front of non-Mahatma. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) "...do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you..." [33:32]
4. Last but not least, teach them to wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to themselves. That is, girls should wear Hijabs and loose clothing while boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with t-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashionclothing which, in most cases, do not meet the requirement of acceptable Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons.
It is important that we start teaching our children the need to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex. Regarding shyness, we should use the Prophet (s.a.w) as an example: Abu Said Al Khudri (r.a.a) reported that the Prophet (s.a.w) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Bukhari] If we instill this into them at an early age then, Insha' Allah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship'.
In the next issue, Insha' Allah, we will discuss the ways in which parents can deal with the situation when they have discovered that their daughter or son is in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.
Part Two
In the last article I talked about taking preventative measures to ensure that when your child is older, he or she will not be caught in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. However, if your child is already a teenager or those methods did not work, and you are now facing this dilemma, there is still hope of rectifying it.
Most parents react with extremity upon discovering that their daughter is in a girlfriend-boyfriend situation: they lock her in her room and forbid her to see the boy again. What would be the reaction from the girl when she is faced with this? She would rebel. That is, she would do the opposite of what the parents say and, in extreme cases, run away from home. If this is not how parents want it to end, they must tread lightly. Do everything with a light touch because teenagers respond better to it. At any signs of heavy-handedness, teenagers rebel.
The first step in any bridge-building is to talk. Calmly talk to your daughter to understand why she is having a boyfriend.
What led to this?
There are many reasons why girls seek out boys. The first culprit that parents point the accusing finger at, is the girl's raging hormones. This may be true in some girls but not all. There are girls who have raging hormones but who can control themselves, and then there are girls who do not have raging hormones but who still pursue the opposite sex.
Therefore, what are some other possible reasons for the girl's behaviour?
Peer pressure is one. When all her friends and school mates have boyfriends, she feels compelled to follow suit. If she does not have a boyfriend of her own then she feels left out because she cannot fit in with their after school activities and cannot join in their conversations. What makes it worse is that everyone will see her as a "geek".
Another reason is if she is undertaking a popularity contest. She competes with other girls in attaining as many boyfriends as she can to see who will be the popularity queen. These contests also occur because it is seen that only popular girls have boyfriends.
Boredom often drives a girl into the arms of a boy. She sees her life as monotonous and so searches for thrill and excitement with the boy.
Or perhaps her self-esteem is low, so she depends on him to make her feel desirable and wanted.
Yet another reason is that she needs to be loved. She seeks her parents love but cannot access it, therefore, she seeks it elsewhere. Similar to this is if she is seeking her parents attention. She defies them in seeking a boyfriend so that she can have their attention. Any attention to her is better than no attention. The difference between the need for love and the need for attention is that the former does it passively. If she cannot get it from her parents then she goes elsewhere. Whereas the latter demands it from her parents.
There could be other reasons or the reasons could be a combination of the above. However, whatever the reason or reasons may be, parents need to identify and understand it. This is easier than it sounds as parents have a tendency of triggering their daughters to clam up.
How to approach them
When parents talk, care needs to be taken so as not to become accusative ("You did this to...") and judgmental ("You are so..."), otherwise it will end up like a police interrogation ("Why did you...?"). This only adds to their daughter's defiance. Also, to keep her self-esteem intact, avoid using "should", "don't" and all other negative words.
Talking effectively also means to know when to listen. This includes not only hearing but understanding. To understand what has been said, parents need to clarify it ("Do you mean...?"), acknowledge it ("You feel... because...") and empathise with it ("You sound really..."). When the teenager feels that her parents understand her, she will be encouraged to confide in them and explain why she does things and how she feels about it. And as I said earlier, by understanding, parents will get the full picture and will then know which appropriate action to take. Also, if parents want to be listened to by their children, they need to model good listening skills. Children tend to do as parents do rather than as parents say. So now is always a good time to start practising these skills.
Insecurity
Looking closer at the above reasons, parents will see that the underlying factor is that the girl feels insecure about herself. Her self-esteem is low and so she relies on the boy to make her feel good about herself. The root of falling into the trap of peer-pressures, popularity contests, the need to be wanted and loved, and to have attention, is insecurity. If this is the case then give her the love and attention that she needs. Show and tell her that you love her despite her "bad" behaviours, and yet you will not tolerate them. Teach her how to feel good about herself and her religion. Build her self-esteem by acknowledging her good behaviours and achievements or her attempts to achieve (and not focusing on failures). Assign her challenging tasks and stimulating activities. This also applies to the bored daughter. Take her to teenage Islamic gatherings and camps. Encourage her to make new Muslim friends. As to the one with raging hormones who cannot control herself, ask her if she would like to marry (but do not force it upon her).
Certainly, remind her that it is the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship that cannot be approved and teach her (again) about Islam's position with regards to this. Lastly, provide Muslim role models for her. Stories about those women who guard their chastity and piety are are rewarded for doing so. Maryam, mother of Prophet Eesa (a.s), is one great example.
Don't forget about the boys
Having taken care of the daughter, I will now focus attention on the son. It is ironical that parents react as if there is a death in the family when their daughter engages in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. But when it is the son who is in a similar or worst position, the same parents are complaisant. They feel that the boy needs to have experience and enjoy himself first before he can settle down and marry. It is as if the daughter alone carries the honour of the family.
Honour needs to be distributed evenly among the family if it is to be kept intact. This means the father, mother, son and daughter must each guard their own honour. If the father or mother loses his or her honour then they are providing the role model for their children. And if the son loses his honour and goes unpunished then the daughter will see this as a hypocritical act and consequently rebels. For any mediating action to work on the daughter, parents must be consistent on their son as well. Look to the reasons why girls pursue boys then parents will see that those are the same ones that propel boys into the arms of girls.
This article was first published in the 22nd issue of Nida'ul Islam magazine (http://www.islam.org.au), February - March 1998.
Coping With Peer Pressure
Coping With Peer Pressure
By Ibrahim Abu Khalid
[This article was published in the 19th issue of Nida'ul Islam Magazine (http://www.islam.org.au), July - August 1997]
What happens during the school years is very important. Many parents and community leaders brush-off unfavorable and unIslamic Muslim youth behaviour as being a short-term phenomena, a mix of hormones and bad friends. Time, it is argued, will mature their thoughts and bring them in line. This is rarely the case.
The school years form a critical part of the mental, religious and social development of our Muslim youth. Factors such as the school's curriculum, social pressures and make-up can solidly mould the direction the Muslim youth will take. by far the most dangerous influence is that of 'peer pressure', whereby Muslims are pressured (mentally and physically) to conform to some social 'norm' or group behaviour. This can set an irreparable deviated path for the rest of their lives.
Pressures from the Education system
In a country which boasts of heralding individual and religious rights, Muslims are still on the lower rung of the ladder. Even the school administration will exert pressures on Muslims to study and participate in Islamically abhorred activities.
Compulsory participation in sports events brings many brothers and sisters into a state of conflict, who if refuse to participate, will be publicly rebuked and humiliated. Sisters have been known to be harassed to participate in swimming carnivals, gymnastics and dancing, many of which can involve male participation. Not attending formals, camps and discos are actually punished, through increased study load, and also mentally through public disgrace (letting the school know who isn't joining in).
Other reported cases of teacher discrimination in Australia includes teachers snatching the hijab off sisters, neglecting cases of abuse against Muslims (Muslims are supposed to have been used to being singled-out by now), and police investigations into the activities of Muslims purely on the basis of their religion.
Peer Pressure
Fellow students can have a devastating effect on the morale and piety of a Muslim. These pressures should never be underestimated, which can intimidate a Muslim into taking drugs, smoking, 'going out' to nightclubs, and having illegal relationships.
Sisters feel compelled to waste money on extravagant items, 'name-tags', such as Fiorelli and Benetton, for the sole purpose of fitting-in. The preservation of her virginity is not a virtue, but rather a disgrace, a symbol of her 'frigidity'. It sounds crazy, but whether we ignore this or not, it is there and in a big way.
Brothers must act and smell and look like the Kuffaar to avoid persecution. Anything which will take them away from their Islamic bonds. It's the right thing to abuse your parents, obeying them is downright lack of personality.
Who Are We?
The sad thing is that we have the solution for all this, but we ignore it. Muslims don't have to feel that they're a group without identity or meaning. Nor should we allow anyone to prevent us from fulfilling our duties to Allah.
Legally, we have many options to take in practicing Islam at school. We have a right to pray during the specified times. Many schools now haFriday Prayers in a designated room. it took was the joint effort of committed students, who themselves conduct the Khutbah. We also have the right to celebrate our festivals, and wear our prescribed clothing without harassment. Other religious groups are permitted by the Schools to refrain from certain school activities. The Amish do not watch television class, the Sikhs wear their turbans wherever they go, the Jehovah Witness do not participate in the flag-raising or singing the national anthem. We also have our rights to watch what we deem permissible, and refrain from unIslamic events. Many precedents have been set in this regard. It requires the strength of our brothers and sisters, a joint effort, and the knowledge that Muslims will not disobey Allah for the will of anyone.
The Prophet (s.a.w.) and the Companions had nothing but disgust for the way of life of the disbelievers. In fact, they had so much disgust that they purposely did everything the opposite of them. 'Umar bin al-Khattab (r.a.a.) actually forced the non-Muslims to look differently from the Muslims. So why are we trying to imitate them?
Muslims have been given honour through Islam and nothing else. Not through expensive designer clothes, nor expensive sneakers, or top ten CD's. In fact, if you examine the history of the Kuffaar, you will find them so inconsistent in their behaviour that only an idiot would want to copy them. Every year brings on a new fashion, a new habit, a new religion. One year its drugs, then its alcohol, then its mineral water. Australians can only copy Americans, which really shows how much sense of identity they have. Americans love hip hop, so do Australians. They wear baseball caps, well may as well follow them.
Muslims however have their own identity, history and religion, which millions have flocked to escape the filth and stupidity of Kufr. Why are we doing the opposite?
Our Youth have to be supported by the community. When they are in need of assistance, we must be there. This could be financially, or morally. When they begin on reforming themselves, and assisting in bringing about a change, the solid support must be there .
By Ibrahim Abu Khalid
[This article was published in the 19th issue of Nida'ul Islam Magazine (http://www.islam.org.au), July - August 1997]
What happens during the school years is very important. Many parents and community leaders brush-off unfavorable and unIslamic Muslim youth behaviour as being a short-term phenomena, a mix of hormones and bad friends. Time, it is argued, will mature their thoughts and bring them in line. This is rarely the case.
The school years form a critical part of the mental, religious and social development of our Muslim youth. Factors such as the school's curriculum, social pressures and make-up can solidly mould the direction the Muslim youth will take. by far the most dangerous influence is that of 'peer pressure', whereby Muslims are pressured (mentally and physically) to conform to some social 'norm' or group behaviour. This can set an irreparable deviated path for the rest of their lives.
Pressures from the Education system
In a country which boasts of heralding individual and religious rights, Muslims are still on the lower rung of the ladder. Even the school administration will exert pressures on Muslims to study and participate in Islamically abhorred activities.
Compulsory participation in sports events brings many brothers and sisters into a state of conflict, who if refuse to participate, will be publicly rebuked and humiliated. Sisters have been known to be harassed to participate in swimming carnivals, gymnastics and dancing, many of which can involve male participation. Not attending formals, camps and discos are actually punished, through increased study load, and also mentally through public disgrace (letting the school know who isn't joining in).
Other reported cases of teacher discrimination in Australia includes teachers snatching the hijab off sisters, neglecting cases of abuse against Muslims (Muslims are supposed to have been used to being singled-out by now), and police investigations into the activities of Muslims purely on the basis of their religion.
Peer Pressure
Fellow students can have a devastating effect on the morale and piety of a Muslim. These pressures should never be underestimated, which can intimidate a Muslim into taking drugs, smoking, 'going out' to nightclubs, and having illegal relationships.
Sisters feel compelled to waste money on extravagant items, 'name-tags', such as Fiorelli and Benetton, for the sole purpose of fitting-in. The preservation of her virginity is not a virtue, but rather a disgrace, a symbol of her 'frigidity'. It sounds crazy, but whether we ignore this or not, it is there and in a big way.
Brothers must act and smell and look like the Kuffaar to avoid persecution. Anything which will take them away from their Islamic bonds. It's the right thing to abuse your parents, obeying them is downright lack of personality.
Who Are We?
The sad thing is that we have the solution for all this, but we ignore it. Muslims don't have to feel that they're a group without identity or meaning. Nor should we allow anyone to prevent us from fulfilling our duties to Allah.
Legally, we have many options to take in practicing Islam at school. We have a right to pray during the specified times. Many schools now haFriday Prayers in a designated room. it took was the joint effort of committed students, who themselves conduct the Khutbah. We also have the right to celebrate our festivals, and wear our prescribed clothing without harassment. Other religious groups are permitted by the Schools to refrain from certain school activities. The Amish do not watch television class, the Sikhs wear their turbans wherever they go, the Jehovah Witness do not participate in the flag-raising or singing the national anthem. We also have our rights to watch what we deem permissible, and refrain from unIslamic events. Many precedents have been set in this regard. It requires the strength of our brothers and sisters, a joint effort, and the knowledge that Muslims will not disobey Allah for the will of anyone.
The Prophet (s.a.w.) and the Companions had nothing but disgust for the way of life of the disbelievers. In fact, they had so much disgust that they purposely did everything the opposite of them. 'Umar bin al-Khattab (r.a.a.) actually forced the non-Muslims to look differently from the Muslims. So why are we trying to imitate them?
Muslims have been given honour through Islam and nothing else. Not through expensive designer clothes, nor expensive sneakers, or top ten CD's. In fact, if you examine the history of the Kuffaar, you will find them so inconsistent in their behaviour that only an idiot would want to copy them. Every year brings on a new fashion, a new habit, a new religion. One year its drugs, then its alcohol, then its mineral water. Australians can only copy Americans, which really shows how much sense of identity they have. Americans love hip hop, so do Australians. They wear baseball caps, well may as well follow them.
Muslims however have their own identity, history and religion, which millions have flocked to escape the filth and stupidity of Kufr. Why are we doing the opposite?
Our Youth have to be supported by the community. When they are in need of assistance, we must be there. This could be financially, or morally. When they begin on reforming themselves, and assisting in bringing about a change, the solid support must be there .
Why I Boycotted the Senior Prom
Why I Boycotted the Senior Prom
By Dawud Wharnsby Ali
As the school year winds down, many senior students of schools across the nation will not just be commencing another summer of holidays to provide a break during semesters. Many will be leaving their safe havens of senior public school and taking their first step into the world of adulthood. Attending fast paced, crowded colleges or universities, taking up apprenticeships or full-time employment. Many may even move from family homes in their pursuit of educational fulfillment or the "perfect" job opportunity. Many young people are preparing to move on to new lives in the world, with new responsibilities, new environments, new peers and new aspirations.
One ritual that has become synonymous with coming of age has been the senior prom. Closely preceding the graduation ceremonies of many high schools, or following closely behind graduation events, the senior prom (also known as the senior formal or the spring formal) is an opportunity for youth to celebrate the entrance into the world of adulthood with a splash of color and formality. However, there is far more behind the social event than may be initially noticed.
Formal. What is formal? Formal means to present one's self to others in a way which is "with form", with shape, polite, inoffensive and dignified. We see the example of a formal letter, it uses proper grammar and sentence structure in order to be respectful, while simultaneously serving a purpose or getting an important message across.
In our society, what is formal? Very little. On average, clothing, language, behavior - all is very informal. Individuals who are formal (polite, inoffensive, organized) in their daily dealings with people ore often looked upon as square or boring. Yet we see that in certain situations, individuals play with the concept of formality not truly to implement respectfulness and order but because it becomes fashionable to do so. While behavior surrounding a prom may seem, on the surface, like a fun opportunity to behave formally it is actually a flowery version of Halloween.
On the occasion of the spring formal we see blossoming youth taking on the formalities of what is perceived as "adult". Fine dress (most who attend the senior prom rent expensive tuxedoes or purchase high quality suits or gowns for the occasion); elaborate beautification (spending hours in front of a mirror or at a hair salon in order to look just right); frivolous toys (stretch limousines line the streets outside of dance halls on the night of the prom); all become synonymous with being an adult. In many ways, adults in
society should examine their own behavior for wrongly displaying these types of objects as being "adult" to younger people.
In our society we have a very misconstrued idea of what adulthood actually is. It has always been my understanding that adulthood and maturity are not based upon one's ability to hold a cigarette in a certain way, tie a bow tie, tease one's hair or hang out of a limousine sunroof . Adulthood comes with the understanding of one's place in the universe, it comes with the knowledge of how to interact with our fellow human beings, it comes with the ability to take responsibility for one's own actions - whether good or bad.
It was 1990. I was seventeen years old and although the athletic types in my all-male Catholic school saw me as a bit of a runt - small, cocky, seemingly uninhibited, most of my peers and teachers were supportive friends who enjoyed my company and with whom I, in turn, felt very comfortable. I had become very active in my school and very visible because of my involvement in various school events, usually arts-related. It was my senior year.
Young, agile, fashionable (by some standards at least), busy with the thoughts of what I would do with the rest of my life. Decisions that affect the rest of our lives can often become clouded when we are blinded by fear of what others will think of us - whether it be our parents, our friends or our teachers.
Within me was a need to understand the adult world into which I was about to embark. I felt foolish to think I was stepping into the adult world at such an age - in many parts of the world and throughout history, seventeen is within the realm of adulthood, as responsibility is established much earlier in life, following puberty at the age of 12 or 13. There was a great confusion in me to see my society putting such emphasis on acquiring wealth and prestige over acquiring a feeling of spiritual worth and understanding of true responsibility.
The concept of the senior prom frustrated me greatly. Many of my close friends were also disgusted with the idea of wasting their parents' money or their own money earned through weekend work, on a night of preening. To dress up and put one's self on display in a sort of inner-school fashion show seemed degrading.
Across the street from our school was an all-girl Catholic school. Many classes were shared between the two schools and it was not uncommon for students from each school to cross the street and take up a seat as a minority in a class of the opposite gender. Religion classes were almost always co-ed in the senior grades, as well as many arts and sciences classes.
It upset me to see some students behaving superior to others simply because they had girlfriends or boyfriends and others did not. It upset me to see friends quarrelling over who was taking who to the senior prom. It upset me to see peers who normally behaved rudely in class or to their friends, making big plans to put on a cummerbund in a pseudo attempt to be ?adult?. On the one hand behaving romantic and polite, planning to buy a corsage for their date, and on the other hand also planning to smuggle alcohol into the event then rent a hotel room for an opportunity to dishonor their date.
I made a firm intention in my mind to boycott the senior prom for these and other reasons. Adulthood, I felt, was not to come with irresponsibility and excessive waste. It is not synonymous with loud music and dancing. Of course there are those who do attend their senior prom with very pure intentions and hope to have a fairy tale evening, complete with non-alcoholic sparkling drinks and an opportunity to celebrate with close friends the closure of the high school era. However, there are many other more meaningful ways to prepare one's self for the adult world than just dressing up for a night and attending a gala party.
I recall hearing about the senior prom held at my school by peers who did attend. I saw some photographs and some of those pictures are locked forever in the pages of my school year-book. Images of people I once knew - huddled together in tuxedos, singing like drunken barroom buddies. The bow ties are crooked, the shirttails are out, the hair is ruffled. I pray that they eventually did find adulthood, during the many years that have passed since those pictures were taken.
I was not a Muslim when I boycotted my senior prom; Allah brought Islam into my life several years later. I was simply a young man who was tired of being irresponsible. I was tired of witnessing irresponsibility. I was desperate for a feeling of self-worth and fulfillment that I knew could not come from a few hours of loud music, a dance with a beautiful girl and a smuggled bottle of hard liquor. I would never suggest that I demonstrated angelic behavior during my days of jahilliya. We all have baggage in our closets - may Allah forgive us, but I did recognize what steps would lead a person to contentment and made every effort to implement those steps.
After leaving high school I met several other non-Muslim individuals during my travels who had also boycotted their own senior proms. We would sit and laugh about how good it felt to buck the system and refrain from taking part in activities that are based in total frivolity and irresponsibility.
Think of how much more meaningful it would be to spend an evening at a retirement residence with an elderly person who has a million stories to tell but no one to listen. Think of how much more there is to learn about life from volunteering an evening in a hospital ward for children, brightening the face of a child with a story or a song, than simply drinking punch in a dark hall under a disco ball. Imagine the feeling of spending only one hour at a soup kitchen, meeting the many men and women who sleep each night on the street while others waste money on lavish cars and rental clothes
By Dawud Wharnsby Ali
As the school year winds down, many senior students of schools across the nation will not just be commencing another summer of holidays to provide a break during semesters. Many will be leaving their safe havens of senior public school and taking their first step into the world of adulthood. Attending fast paced, crowded colleges or universities, taking up apprenticeships or full-time employment. Many may even move from family homes in their pursuit of educational fulfillment or the "perfect" job opportunity. Many young people are preparing to move on to new lives in the world, with new responsibilities, new environments, new peers and new aspirations.
One ritual that has become synonymous with coming of age has been the senior prom. Closely preceding the graduation ceremonies of many high schools, or following closely behind graduation events, the senior prom (also known as the senior formal or the spring formal) is an opportunity for youth to celebrate the entrance into the world of adulthood with a splash of color and formality. However, there is far more behind the social event than may be initially noticed.
Formal. What is formal? Formal means to present one's self to others in a way which is "with form", with shape, polite, inoffensive and dignified. We see the example of a formal letter, it uses proper grammar and sentence structure in order to be respectful, while simultaneously serving a purpose or getting an important message across.
In our society, what is formal? Very little. On average, clothing, language, behavior - all is very informal. Individuals who are formal (polite, inoffensive, organized) in their daily dealings with people ore often looked upon as square or boring. Yet we see that in certain situations, individuals play with the concept of formality not truly to implement respectfulness and order but because it becomes fashionable to do so. While behavior surrounding a prom may seem, on the surface, like a fun opportunity to behave formally it is actually a flowery version of Halloween.
On the occasion of the spring formal we see blossoming youth taking on the formalities of what is perceived as "adult". Fine dress (most who attend the senior prom rent expensive tuxedoes or purchase high quality suits or gowns for the occasion); elaborate beautification (spending hours in front of a mirror or at a hair salon in order to look just right); frivolous toys (stretch limousines line the streets outside of dance halls on the night of the prom); all become synonymous with being an adult. In many ways, adults in
society should examine their own behavior for wrongly displaying these types of objects as being "adult" to younger people.
In our society we have a very misconstrued idea of what adulthood actually is. It has always been my understanding that adulthood and maturity are not based upon one's ability to hold a cigarette in a certain way, tie a bow tie, tease one's hair or hang out of a limousine sunroof . Adulthood comes with the understanding of one's place in the universe, it comes with the knowledge of how to interact with our fellow human beings, it comes with the ability to take responsibility for one's own actions - whether good or bad.
It was 1990. I was seventeen years old and although the athletic types in my all-male Catholic school saw me as a bit of a runt - small, cocky, seemingly uninhibited, most of my peers and teachers were supportive friends who enjoyed my company and with whom I, in turn, felt very comfortable. I had become very active in my school and very visible because of my involvement in various school events, usually arts-related. It was my senior year.
Young, agile, fashionable (by some standards at least), busy with the thoughts of what I would do with the rest of my life. Decisions that affect the rest of our lives can often become clouded when we are blinded by fear of what others will think of us - whether it be our parents, our friends or our teachers.
Within me was a need to understand the adult world into which I was about to embark. I felt foolish to think I was stepping into the adult world at such an age - in many parts of the world and throughout history, seventeen is within the realm of adulthood, as responsibility is established much earlier in life, following puberty at the age of 12 or 13. There was a great confusion in me to see my society putting such emphasis on acquiring wealth and prestige over acquiring a feeling of spiritual worth and understanding of true responsibility.
The concept of the senior prom frustrated me greatly. Many of my close friends were also disgusted with the idea of wasting their parents' money or their own money earned through weekend work, on a night of preening. To dress up and put one's self on display in a sort of inner-school fashion show seemed degrading.
Across the street from our school was an all-girl Catholic school. Many classes were shared between the two schools and it was not uncommon for students from each school to cross the street and take up a seat as a minority in a class of the opposite gender. Religion classes were almost always co-ed in the senior grades, as well as many arts and sciences classes.
It upset me to see some students behaving superior to others simply because they had girlfriends or boyfriends and others did not. It upset me to see friends quarrelling over who was taking who to the senior prom. It upset me to see peers who normally behaved rudely in class or to their friends, making big plans to put on a cummerbund in a pseudo attempt to be ?adult?. On the one hand behaving romantic and polite, planning to buy a corsage for their date, and on the other hand also planning to smuggle alcohol into the event then rent a hotel room for an opportunity to dishonor their date.
I made a firm intention in my mind to boycott the senior prom for these and other reasons. Adulthood, I felt, was not to come with irresponsibility and excessive waste. It is not synonymous with loud music and dancing. Of course there are those who do attend their senior prom with very pure intentions and hope to have a fairy tale evening, complete with non-alcoholic sparkling drinks and an opportunity to celebrate with close friends the closure of the high school era. However, there are many other more meaningful ways to prepare one's self for the adult world than just dressing up for a night and attending a gala party.
I recall hearing about the senior prom held at my school by peers who did attend. I saw some photographs and some of those pictures are locked forever in the pages of my school year-book. Images of people I once knew - huddled together in tuxedos, singing like drunken barroom buddies. The bow ties are crooked, the shirttails are out, the hair is ruffled. I pray that they eventually did find adulthood, during the many years that have passed since those pictures were taken.
I was not a Muslim when I boycotted my senior prom; Allah brought Islam into my life several years later. I was simply a young man who was tired of being irresponsible. I was tired of witnessing irresponsibility. I was desperate for a feeling of self-worth and fulfillment that I knew could not come from a few hours of loud music, a dance with a beautiful girl and a smuggled bottle of hard liquor. I would never suggest that I demonstrated angelic behavior during my days of jahilliya. We all have baggage in our closets - may Allah forgive us, but I did recognize what steps would lead a person to contentment and made every effort to implement those steps.
After leaving high school I met several other non-Muslim individuals during my travels who had also boycotted their own senior proms. We would sit and laugh about how good it felt to buck the system and refrain from taking part in activities that are based in total frivolity and irresponsibility.
Think of how much more meaningful it would be to spend an evening at a retirement residence with an elderly person who has a million stories to tell but no one to listen. Think of how much more there is to learn about life from volunteering an evening in a hospital ward for children, brightening the face of a child with a story or a song, than simply drinking punch in a dark hall under a disco ball. Imagine the feeling of spending only one hour at a soup kitchen, meeting the many men and women who sleep each night on the street while others waste money on lavish cars and rental clothes
A Father-Daughter Tipsheet on Dealing with the High School Prom
A Father-Daughter Tipsheet on Dealing with the High School Prom
by Riaz Sayeed
Do you have a teenage daughter in her final year in school? Does she have friends who are preparing for their prom? Does she feel left out?
As parents of teenage daughters, we must deal with creating solutions for events in our daughter's lives, which do not conform to Islamic principles. If you have answered yes to any of the questions above, you are in that situation right now. This time of the year is very difficult for our daughters, who are attending coed public schools. How can we handle such events as proms, graduation parties, and other final year celebrations? Here are a few tips on this subject. Please feel free to add your suggestions to the list. We can all use and share our suggestions so we may help each other now and in the future.
1. Invite your daughter's friends over for a party at your house on a night other than the prom night, when they are available.
2. Offer to give your daughter a night to remember. Do something with her that she has never done before. For example: Take her on a dinner cruise the night of the prom. Let her invite her friends, so she can celebrate with them.
3. Offer to take her to an amusement park for the whole day. Let her invite her friends.
4. Do a mother/daughter day. For example: Spend the day with your daughter at a salon, then go shopping, and go to a restaurant.
5. Take her to a place she has never been to before. For example: On top of the Empire State Building in New York, and then explore New York.
6. Visit a university or college campus with her. Let her speak to the students there. Many universities have welcoming committees to show perspective students around campus. Don't forget to visit the student center.
7. Send her to visit her favorite relative for a few days.
8. Give her a special graduation present. Something she has wanted for a long time.
9. Give her a slumber party night at a hotel with her friends. Give her a choice of chaperones.
10. Offer her a limousine tour of the town with her friends.
These are just a few of the ideas that my daughter and I came up with. We are sure that if you sit down and discuss this with your daughters, you will be able to come up with several of your own ideas. Please remember to be consistent with your views with all your children of both genders.
by Riaz Sayeed
Do you have a teenage daughter in her final year in school? Does she have friends who are preparing for their prom? Does she feel left out?
As parents of teenage daughters, we must deal with creating solutions for events in our daughter's lives, which do not conform to Islamic principles. If you have answered yes to any of the questions above, you are in that situation right now. This time of the year is very difficult for our daughters, who are attending coed public schools. How can we handle such events as proms, graduation parties, and other final year celebrations? Here are a few tips on this subject. Please feel free to add your suggestions to the list. We can all use and share our suggestions so we may help each other now and in the future.
1. Invite your daughter's friends over for a party at your house on a night other than the prom night, when they are available.
2. Offer to give your daughter a night to remember. Do something with her that she has never done before. For example: Take her on a dinner cruise the night of the prom. Let her invite her friends, so she can celebrate with them.
3. Offer to take her to an amusement park for the whole day. Let her invite her friends.
4. Do a mother/daughter day. For example: Spend the day with your daughter at a salon, then go shopping, and go to a restaurant.
5. Take her to a place she has never been to before. For example: On top of the Empire State Building in New York, and then explore New York.
6. Visit a university or college campus with her. Let her speak to the students there. Many universities have welcoming committees to show perspective students around campus. Don't forget to visit the student center.
7. Send her to visit her favorite relative for a few days.
8. Give her a special graduation present. Something she has wanted for a long time.
9. Give her a slumber party night at a hotel with her friends. Give her a choice of chaperones.
10. Offer her a limousine tour of the town with her friends.
These are just a few of the ideas that my daughter and I came up with. We are sure that if you sit down and discuss this with your daughters, you will be able to come up with several of your own ideas. Please remember to be consistent with your views with all your children of both genders.
Twelve Tips for Muslim Youth
Twelve Tips for Muslim Youth
Why should you, a young Muslim, be helping to bring your friends closer to Allah '
After all, you've got your own struggles to deal with: trying to explain why you pray to hostile teachers, Hijab discrimination, standing up in class when the professor attacks Islam, dealing with parents who think you've gone nuts because you're growing a beard, or all the other difficulties faced by a number of practicing Muslim youth '
Islam was never meant to be an individualistic faith, reserved for the "chosen few". Muslims have a duty to spread the Deen, and practicing Muslim youth, whether beginners, activists or leaders have a crucial role to play.
"Allah has put them in a position that perhaps no one else is in," notes Sheema Khan, former Muslim Youth of North America (MYNA) advisor for eastern Canada. "They have the means to communicate with their peers, they have an understanding of what they're going through plus they have the guidance of Islam."
Who is your childhood friend, who would rather spend Fridays at MacDonald’s than the Masjid, or your classmate who is Muslim in name and only knows that "Muslims don't eat pork" going to listen to: the nice Imam of the Masjid who would freak out if he saw the way they were dressed and talked or you who may have grown up with them, joked with them, or see them everyday in school '
The answer is obvious: you.
Don't panic. Here are some tips and advice which can help from other Muslims, many of whom have been there and done that:
Tip # 1 : Make Your Intention Sincere
All work we do should ideally be for the sake of Allah. That includes the task of bringing someone closer to Allah. That of course means this should not be connected to arrogance, thinking you're the teacher and everyone else should be lucky you've embarked on a crusade to save them. Guidance is from Allah. Make Dua and make sincere efforts and remember Allah can also misguide you if He wills (we seek refuge in Allah from that).
Tip # 2 : Practice What You Preach
Not practicing what you preach is wrong and you will lose the confidence of anyone, young or old, once they figure you out. Don't do it.
Tip # 3 : Use The Quran & Seerah (biography of the Prphet peace be upon him) As Dawa Guides
Read and understand those chapters of the Quran which talk about how the Prophets presented the message of Islam to their people. Read the Seerah (for some good Seerah books)to see especially how the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) brought Islam to so many different people, including young people.
As well, talk to Dawa workers, and check out manuals they may have written, like Yahiya Emerick's How to Tell Others About Islam.
Tip # 4 : Talk To People As If You Really Dont Know Them
Don't assume you know someone just by looking at them. You don't know that the Muslim girl in your homeroom who walks through the school's hallways as if they were fashion show catwalks (see Ambe Rehman's perspective on this) is not someone you can talk to about Allah because she looks like a snob. Or that the Muslim guy who you've never seen at Juma at your university is a "bad Muslim". Maybe he was never really taught Islam and has no idea what importance Friday prayers have in Islam, especially for Muslim men.
Tip # 5 : Smile
Did you know the Prophet was big on smiling ' But many "practicing" Muslims seem to have "their faces on upside down" as one speaker once said-frowning and serious.
Smiling, being polite and kind are all part of the manners of the Prophet, which we must exercise in our daily lives. If we want to approach others with Islam, we have to make ourselves approachable. Smiling is key to this.
But note that being approachable does not mean being flirtations with the other gender. There are Islamic rules for how men and women should deal with each other which have to be respected. Dawa is no excuse to have long and private conversations and meetings with the other sex, for example. Set up a system where someone expressing an interest in Islam is referred to someone of the same sex.
Tip # 6 : Take The Initiative & Hang Out With Them
Take the first step and invite someone you may have spoken to a couple of times to sit at lunch together, to check out a hockey game or invite them over for Iftar in Ramadan. Also, share difficulties, sorrows and frustrations. Help with homework, be a shoulder to cry on when depression hits, or just plain listen when your friend is upset, discuss common problems and KEEP THEIR SECRETS. There are few things as annoying as a snitch and backstabber. But an important note: if the problem is of a serious nature,(i.e. your friend is thinking of committing suicide or is taking drugs), notify and consult an adult immediately.
Tip # 7 : Show Them Islam Is Relevent Today, Right Here, Right Now
Young people may think Islam is too "old fashioned" and not in tune with the modern age. Prove this wrong. Show how Islam is really about relating to Allah, which any human being can do, anywhere, anytime. Allah is always closer to you than your jugular vein and He hears and knows everything. Encourage friends to ask Allah's help during tests, exams, and in dealing with problems at home with parents and siblings. Also point out how Islam relates to teenagers: Islam gives you focus and an understanding of who you are and where you are going, which most of "teen culture" does not.
Tip # 8 : Get Them Involved In Volunteer Work With You
If you are already involved in the community, get your friend to help out. Ask them to make a flyer for one of your youth group's events or brainstorm for ideas about activities to hold this school year. This involvement makes them feel part of the Muslim community and deepens your friendship, since you are now working together on something beneficial for both of you. Make sure you thank them for their contribution.
Tip # 9 : Ask Them 4 Fundamental Questions
As your friendship develops, you will notice the topics you discuss may become more serious. You may be discussing, for instance, future goals and plans. Khan recommends four questions to ask that can steer the topic to Allah and Islam:
a. Where am I going in life and what would make me really happy deep down inside '
b. What do I believe '
c. Who should I be grateful to '
d. Did I get to where I am today without the help of anyone '
Tip # 10 : Emphasize Praying 5 Times A Day Before Any Other Aspect Of Islam
A person's main connection with Allah, on a daily basis, is through the prayer five times a day. Don't emphasize any other aspect of Islam until your friend starts making a real effort to pray five times a day. Emphasize the direct connection one has with Allah in prayer. If they are facing a problem, tell them to pray, and to ask Allah for help in Salah and outside this time. When possible, make it a point to pray together during your "hang out time". If your friend begins to pray, that is the first step to other aspects of Islam like giving up swearing, treating parents with respect or dressing Islamically.
Tip # 11 : Help Instill Confidence In Adults
Adults, like Bart Simpson's dad Homer, are considered bumbling idiots in the eyes of "teen culture". Your job as a young Muslim is to help turn the tables on this false and unIslamic belief. All you have to do is this: when a Muslim adult does something good (i.e. saving someone's life, donating money to a worthy cause, the Imam gives a good speech, taking good care of his/her family) bring it up in the course of your conversations with your friend and praise the adult in question. Doing this regularly may not only change your friend's perspective, but could lead to them seeing their own parents in a more respectful way.
Tip # 12 : Support Them Even When They Become More Practicing
Remember, just because a person starts practicing Islam more regularly, this does not mean everything will be okay from this point onwards. There will still be hard times, difficulties. There may be times when your friend may have doubts about his or her newfound practice of Islam. Be there to reassure them.
Why should you, a young Muslim, be helping to bring your friends closer to Allah '
After all, you've got your own struggles to deal with: trying to explain why you pray to hostile teachers, Hijab discrimination, standing up in class when the professor attacks Islam, dealing with parents who think you've gone nuts because you're growing a beard, or all the other difficulties faced by a number of practicing Muslim youth '
Islam was never meant to be an individualistic faith, reserved for the "chosen few". Muslims have a duty to spread the Deen, and practicing Muslim youth, whether beginners, activists or leaders have a crucial role to play.
"Allah has put them in a position that perhaps no one else is in," notes Sheema Khan, former Muslim Youth of North America (MYNA) advisor for eastern Canada. "They have the means to communicate with their peers, they have an understanding of what they're going through plus they have the guidance of Islam."
Who is your childhood friend, who would rather spend Fridays at MacDonald’s than the Masjid, or your classmate who is Muslim in name and only knows that "Muslims don't eat pork" going to listen to: the nice Imam of the Masjid who would freak out if he saw the way they were dressed and talked or you who may have grown up with them, joked with them, or see them everyday in school '
The answer is obvious: you.
Don't panic. Here are some tips and advice which can help from other Muslims, many of whom have been there and done that:
Tip # 1 : Make Your Intention Sincere
All work we do should ideally be for the sake of Allah. That includes the task of bringing someone closer to Allah. That of course means this should not be connected to arrogance, thinking you're the teacher and everyone else should be lucky you've embarked on a crusade to save them. Guidance is from Allah. Make Dua and make sincere efforts and remember Allah can also misguide you if He wills (we seek refuge in Allah from that).
Tip # 2 : Practice What You Preach
Not practicing what you preach is wrong and you will lose the confidence of anyone, young or old, once they figure you out. Don't do it.
Tip # 3 : Use The Quran & Seerah (biography of the Prphet peace be upon him) As Dawa Guides
Read and understand those chapters of the Quran which talk about how the Prophets presented the message of Islam to their people. Read the Seerah (for some good Seerah books)to see especially how the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) brought Islam to so many different people, including young people.
As well, talk to Dawa workers, and check out manuals they may have written, like Yahiya Emerick's How to Tell Others About Islam.
Tip # 4 : Talk To People As If You Really Dont Know Them
Don't assume you know someone just by looking at them. You don't know that the Muslim girl in your homeroom who walks through the school's hallways as if they were fashion show catwalks (see Ambe Rehman's perspective on this) is not someone you can talk to about Allah because she looks like a snob. Or that the Muslim guy who you've never seen at Juma at your university is a "bad Muslim". Maybe he was never really taught Islam and has no idea what importance Friday prayers have in Islam, especially for Muslim men.
Tip # 5 : Smile
Did you know the Prophet was big on smiling ' But many "practicing" Muslims seem to have "their faces on upside down" as one speaker once said-frowning and serious.
Smiling, being polite and kind are all part of the manners of the Prophet, which we must exercise in our daily lives. If we want to approach others with Islam, we have to make ourselves approachable. Smiling is key to this.
But note that being approachable does not mean being flirtations with the other gender. There are Islamic rules for how men and women should deal with each other which have to be respected. Dawa is no excuse to have long and private conversations and meetings with the other sex, for example. Set up a system where someone expressing an interest in Islam is referred to someone of the same sex.
Tip # 6 : Take The Initiative & Hang Out With Them
Take the first step and invite someone you may have spoken to a couple of times to sit at lunch together, to check out a hockey game or invite them over for Iftar in Ramadan. Also, share difficulties, sorrows and frustrations. Help with homework, be a shoulder to cry on when depression hits, or just plain listen when your friend is upset, discuss common problems and KEEP THEIR SECRETS. There are few things as annoying as a snitch and backstabber. But an important note: if the problem is of a serious nature,(i.e. your friend is thinking of committing suicide or is taking drugs), notify and consult an adult immediately.
Tip # 7 : Show Them Islam Is Relevent Today, Right Here, Right Now
Young people may think Islam is too "old fashioned" and not in tune with the modern age. Prove this wrong. Show how Islam is really about relating to Allah, which any human being can do, anywhere, anytime. Allah is always closer to you than your jugular vein and He hears and knows everything. Encourage friends to ask Allah's help during tests, exams, and in dealing with problems at home with parents and siblings. Also point out how Islam relates to teenagers: Islam gives you focus and an understanding of who you are and where you are going, which most of "teen culture" does not.
Tip # 8 : Get Them Involved In Volunteer Work With You
If you are already involved in the community, get your friend to help out. Ask them to make a flyer for one of your youth group's events or brainstorm for ideas about activities to hold this school year. This involvement makes them feel part of the Muslim community and deepens your friendship, since you are now working together on something beneficial for both of you. Make sure you thank them for their contribution.
Tip # 9 : Ask Them 4 Fundamental Questions
As your friendship develops, you will notice the topics you discuss may become more serious. You may be discussing, for instance, future goals and plans. Khan recommends four questions to ask that can steer the topic to Allah and Islam:
a. Where am I going in life and what would make me really happy deep down inside '
b. What do I believe '
c. Who should I be grateful to '
d. Did I get to where I am today without the help of anyone '
Tip # 10 : Emphasize Praying 5 Times A Day Before Any Other Aspect Of Islam
A person's main connection with Allah, on a daily basis, is through the prayer five times a day. Don't emphasize any other aspect of Islam until your friend starts making a real effort to pray five times a day. Emphasize the direct connection one has with Allah in prayer. If they are facing a problem, tell them to pray, and to ask Allah for help in Salah and outside this time. When possible, make it a point to pray together during your "hang out time". If your friend begins to pray, that is the first step to other aspects of Islam like giving up swearing, treating parents with respect or dressing Islamically.
Tip # 11 : Help Instill Confidence In Adults
Adults, like Bart Simpson's dad Homer, are considered bumbling idiots in the eyes of "teen culture". Your job as a young Muslim is to help turn the tables on this false and unIslamic belief. All you have to do is this: when a Muslim adult does something good (i.e. saving someone's life, donating money to a worthy cause, the Imam gives a good speech, taking good care of his/her family) bring it up in the course of your conversations with your friend and praise the adult in question. Doing this regularly may not only change your friend's perspective, but could lead to them seeing their own parents in a more respectful way.
Tip # 12 : Support Them Even When They Become More Practicing
Remember, just because a person starts practicing Islam more regularly, this does not mean everything will be okay from this point onwards. There will still be hard times, difficulties. There may be times when your friend may have doubts about his or her newfound practice of Islam. Be there to reassure them.
Adjusting to University - an Islamic Perspective
Adjusting to University - an Islamic Perspective
Nida'ul Islam magazine, Waleed Kadous, Vice President and Secretary of the Islamic Society of UNSW
.
University... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship "Education". Our continuing mission: To learn about the world, to improve our Islam and, possibly, get a job.
Seriously, though, congratulations upon getting into university. This is quite an achievement. If you didn't get in, then my comisserations; but do not forget that as Allah says: "It may be that you do not like something but it is good for you; and it may be that you like something but it is bad for you." So trust in Allah and you will never go astray.
An important thing to consider is what is different about university, and what being a Muslim at a university means and involves. For those who haven't been to University, it's a great place, but probably different to what you're used to. It is about as similar to school as a tricycle is to a tractor.
Differences from school
The most obvious difference is size in every way. It's not only physically much larger (a bonus for those who like to walk), but also has many, many more students; a typical school might have one thousand students, a typical university might have twenty thousand.
The second obvious difference is in the teaching style. At school, you are usually spoon-fed knowledge in small groups and they mark the roll in each class. Not at University. Most lecturers don't care if you attend their lectures or not; and they don't say "Copy this from the board into your exercise books", it's more likely that they will put up a slide and you can copy it if you feel it is relevant. As for class sizes, certain lectures in popular courses can be attended by as many as 1500 people. Don't expect a lot of personal attention.
The third obvious difference is in the student body. While school may be an environment which emphasises making everyone behave in a similar manner (for example by making everyone wear the same uniform); university is almost the opposite, where being different is the norm (as contradictory as it sounds!!). There are no uniforms, and provided you act within the bounds of common sense and common courtesy, people do not really care that much about what you do. Or perhaps they do care, but they're probably not going to harass you for being different; they're more likely to support you.
So what impact do these differences have?
What are the implications of the above, especially in the context of a Muslim going to University?
Because Universities are much larger, this means that they typically support a wider range of interest groups, hobbies and so on. There are usually a huge variety of clubs and societies on campus - from those related to political parties, to religious groups, to sports clubs and food clubs (one of my favourites would have to be "SpockSoc" at UNSW.
This means it is a lot easier to find people with the same interests as you. Hopefully one of your "interests" is Islam. All the large Universities have Muslims student associations. Some even have a room for prayer; perhaps even a library or an office. They vary in size, from as little as 10 to as many as 400. All are dedicated to Islam. More on Muslim student associations (MSAs) later.
Because nobody's looking over your shoulder, checking that you've been doing your homework and attending lectures, it means that you have to depend on yourself a lot more. It's no longer good enough to coast along. You need to motivate yourself. This sounds like it is trivial, but I've seen many first years make a pretty big mess of it because of this. People who used to be the top of their schools get marks in the low 50's and in some cases, fail. So, be aware of this; don't get caught out!
Finally, because of the wide variety of different ideas at University, it is easier to be an individual. This has its pros and cons as you would expect; it means you have the opportunity to be a better person and get involved in a variety of beneficial activities, but at the same time, it may mean you waste your time. There are so many things that you can do that at the beginning you just want to do it all! Also, it can lead to you being caught in the activities of groups that may lead you to things that you might later regret. Put it this way: Give it a second thought before joining BeerSoc.
Muslim Student Association
I would recommend that you get in contact with your local Muslim student association (MSA) as soon as you can (phone numbers of contact people can be found at the end of this article). They can help you in many ways.
A great place to start is Friday congregational prayer. Most MSAs hold Friday prayer on campus. Since attending Friday prayer is considered compulsory from an Islamic point of view (all prayers are compulsory, but Friday prayer in particular must be made as part of the congregation), you will not only be fulfilling your Islamic duty, but it will provide an opportunity for you to get to know your Muslim brothers. ou'll easily spot the people who run MSAs. Explain to them that you're new at the University. They'll be happy to tell you about their activities; in fact, they probably look forward to meeting new Muslims. Most of the MSAs also have some sort of membership. Becoming a member helps them in several ways: it helps them financially a little bit (most associations charge a small membership fee), it provides them with information about people who want to help with Islamic activities and it gives them leverage with the University's administration - the more members a student body has, the more it can get from the University in terms of funding and facilities for Muslims.
In return, these associations offer a wide variety of services that far outweigh the small membership fee. It varies from society to society; but at the very least, you can expect things like social events, lectures, conferences, lessons and discussions. Find out what they offer in terms of events and so on... and check their notice-boards regularly. Also get to know if they have a regular place for prayer.
MSAs can also help in many other ways. MSAs contain people from all levels of all courses; some even have lecturers as members. This is a Really Good Thing (capitalisation intentional). It means that you can ask advice from people who have "been there before". Want help deciding which subjects to choose? Ask someone who has done the course before! You'll find this is a rare opportunity; most of the time, you'll only come into contact with people in the same year. The same applies for help. You'll get to know people who have done your subjects before, and they'll be able to help you work things out in assignments and the like. Most of these people will be happy to help you.
How Should I Act as a Muslim on Campus?
Personal Responsibilities:
We've so far discussed how you may have to adjust to University, and how MSAs can help you, but there is more to being a Muslim on campus. You have certain responsibilities to yourself and to the Muslim community in general, which, no doubt, Allah will reward you for. These are very simple things to do, and they don't take much time. More than anything else, they're really about an Islamic attitude, rather than a prescriptive list of dos and don'ts.
First of all, it is important to be proud of being Muslim. So many Muslims I know hide their Islam, as if it is something to be embarrassed about. This is understandable to a certain extent, given the bad rap that Muslims get in the media today, but it doesn't make it right. There is a lot to be proud of about being Muslim: historically, the activities of the Muslims as scientists and scholars formed the basis for the European Renaissance (a debt which many historians "forget" about), as well as creating a stable, just society for more than 800 years; and morally, being Muslims means that you adhere to a set of beliefs and forms of behaviour that elevate you above those who do not adhere to to these beliefs.
Put it this way: If homosexuals can go on about "gay pride", and the thing that they are proud of is something that Islam considers an abomination; then how proud should we be, knowing that we are on the right path?
What does this imply practically? It means that I should not be ashamed to let people know of my Islamic heritage; whether it be through what I say, what I wear, what I eat, what I spend my time on or whatever. If you're going to pray, say, "Excuse me for a moment, I need to go pray to my God," instead of some made-up excuse, like "Excuse me - I need to meet someone" or the like. Be up front about it when doing your Islamic duties!
Surprisingly, this is not as difficult as it sounds. People usually approach universities with an open mind; and it is likely that they will not mind at all. It may even evoke some curiosity in some people. When I told one person the above, he said, "Gee, do you mind if I watch?" If people see you doing things diligently and with sincerity, they develop a respect for you and your religion, even if they do not believe in it.
The effects of Muslim pride are beneficial in a number of ways. Firstly, it "backs up" other Muslims on campus, who no longer feel as isolated about being Muslims. Seeing someone else who is proud to be Muslim lifts another Muslim's spirit incredibly - when I see someone wearing an Islamic T-shirt, or a sister wearing Hijaab, it still has this effect on me, and I feel like going up to them and congratulating them. Secondly, when people see Muslims being so proud, it invokes curiosity, and interest in them, which may be the door for Allah guiding them to the correct path. You will be surprised how many times you will be asked questions about Islam, without having to do anything "active".
When the opportunities do arise, inform them about Islam; in this way you will be fulfilling your obligation for Da'wah. Don't be too forceful in this, however; as it says in the Qur'an [16:125] "Invite to the Way of your Lord with wisdom, and good, well behaved teaching, and discuss with them in the best way possible." In this way, you may affect their perception of Islam. While they may not become Muslim (although these things are in the hands of Allah, and Allah guides whom He wills to the straight path), they will at least know a little more about Islam, from an authentic source, rather than from some misinformed (or even worse, deliberately misinforming) journalist.
But there is a caveat to all of this, which is: what is the point of being proud of Islam if its effects are not perceived in your actions? Muslim pride should be backed up every step of the way by the corresponding actions. There is no point talking to people about the importance of good manners in Islam if you do not follow it up with your own actions. As clich'ed as it is, "actions speak louder than words" apply particularly in this situation.
Remember that you are a walking example of Islam, and that almost everything you do in public will not only reflect on you, but also to some extent on Islam itself. You should reflect all the attributes that make you proud to be Muslim: honesty, sincerity, trustworthiness, cleanliness, politeness and so on. When people see these characteristics in you, they will not only like you as a person (which they inevitably will, unless it is a group of people the likes of whom you shouldn't be associating with in the first place), they will also be curious as to its origin; and seeing you are Muslim will now have a somewhat more positive image of Islam than they may have had before.
This also means that you should fulfil your Islamic obligations in other ways as well. For example, there is no excuse for you not to pray on campus. As we've mentioned, there are prayer rooms at most universities, and even if there aren't there are many quiet places to be found that can serve as a place to pray. There is no reason not to dress Islamically, since there are no rules about dress (other than those of the general community).
Communal Responsibilities
As well as your responsibilities at a personal level, it is always good to participate in communal activities. As we've already mentioned, there are MSAs at almost all the Universities in Australia. These should be an important component of your student life.
These MSAs have a set of goals they try to achieve. This varies from university to university, but basically these are:
* Spreading the Message of Islam throughout campus and the wider community.
* Making it easier for Muslims to be Muslims on campus by providing facilities for Muslims and lobbying the university administration on Muslims' behalf.
* Educating Muslims about their own religion.
* Defending Islam when it is attacked.
MSAs are special in that they are very multicultural, with Muslims from different parts of the world. Also, most of the members are educated, which makes it a unique Islamic environment in many ways, since these are two of the problems which seem to plague the wider Muslim community.
These MSAs are run by volunteers who probably don't have much more free time than you, so don't expect a "professional service". They put a lot of energy just into keeping MSAs running, and even more effort is involved if special events, such as talks etc are to be held.
The very least you can do to support MSAs is to show up at these events. They are probably free, and you might just learn something useful. Showing up indicates to the organisers that there are people out there interested in Islam and its message. There are few things more disheartening than putting hours and hours of effort into an event (that may even have been requested by the members) and have nobody show up (not even the people who suggested it!!) - it creates a feeling of "why do we bother" in the minds of those who put the effort in.
But that is the bare minimum that Muslims should do. There is so much more that they can help with. Most MSAs are involved in the following to a lesser or greater extent: Da'wah, education, social events, sports, cleaning and maintenance, student tutoring, special committees for sisters, student politics, publications and many others. I'm sure you'll be able to find a niche in any MSA where you will apply your skills! People running MSAs will be more than happy to help you find some way you can contribute.
Feel free to speak your mind and make suggestions; but please don't use "hit and run" technique. By this I mean that you go up to someone working for the MSA and hit them with an idea saying: "This should be done," naming something that you feel is important and then run away expecting it to be done. What you should say is: "We should do this" or "I want to do this for the sake of Islam, how can you support me?" so that you not only make a suggestion but are a critical part of following up on it.
Remember that in any association with more than one person in it, that you are going to get differences of opinion about anything, and MSAs are no different; in fact, perhaps slightly more so because of the wide variety of cultures their members come from. But it is important to remember that these differences are about how we do things, not about the underlying reasons for doing them. The key is not to let these differences of opinion damage or divide Muslims, and to keep it above the personal level, remembering that we are Muslims and that one of the defining characteristics of Muslims is that they love their brothers (the Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "One of you does not truly believe until he likes for himself what he likes for his (Muslim) brother."). Provided that we remember this, differences of opinion are healthy.
May Allah help you adjust to university life, and not to squander the opportunities present there. University, like many things, is not in itself good or bad; it is what you do there that makes all the difference. May Allah guide us all to using us for what he sees best, and may he guide us all to the correct path of action.
Nida'ul Islam magazine, Waleed Kadous, Vice President and Secretary of the Islamic Society of UNSW
.
University... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship "Education". Our continuing mission: To learn about the world, to improve our Islam and, possibly, get a job.
Seriously, though, congratulations upon getting into university. This is quite an achievement. If you didn't get in, then my comisserations; but do not forget that as Allah says: "It may be that you do not like something but it is good for you; and it may be that you like something but it is bad for you." So trust in Allah and you will never go astray.
An important thing to consider is what is different about university, and what being a Muslim at a university means and involves. For those who haven't been to University, it's a great place, but probably different to what you're used to. It is about as similar to school as a tricycle is to a tractor.
Differences from school
The most obvious difference is size in every way. It's not only physically much larger (a bonus for those who like to walk), but also has many, many more students; a typical school might have one thousand students, a typical university might have twenty thousand.
The second obvious difference is in the teaching style. At school, you are usually spoon-fed knowledge in small groups and they mark the roll in each class. Not at University. Most lecturers don't care if you attend their lectures or not; and they don't say "Copy this from the board into your exercise books", it's more likely that they will put up a slide and you can copy it if you feel it is relevant. As for class sizes, certain lectures in popular courses can be attended by as many as 1500 people. Don't expect a lot of personal attention.
The third obvious difference is in the student body. While school may be an environment which emphasises making everyone behave in a similar manner (for example by making everyone wear the same uniform); university is almost the opposite, where being different is the norm (as contradictory as it sounds!!). There are no uniforms, and provided you act within the bounds of common sense and common courtesy, people do not really care that much about what you do. Or perhaps they do care, but they're probably not going to harass you for being different; they're more likely to support you.
So what impact do these differences have?
What are the implications of the above, especially in the context of a Muslim going to University?
Because Universities are much larger, this means that they typically support a wider range of interest groups, hobbies and so on. There are usually a huge variety of clubs and societies on campus - from those related to political parties, to religious groups, to sports clubs and food clubs (one of my favourites would have to be "SpockSoc" at UNSW.
This means it is a lot easier to find people with the same interests as you. Hopefully one of your "interests" is Islam. All the large Universities have Muslims student associations. Some even have a room for prayer; perhaps even a library or an office. They vary in size, from as little as 10 to as many as 400. All are dedicated to Islam. More on Muslim student associations (MSAs) later.
Because nobody's looking over your shoulder, checking that you've been doing your homework and attending lectures, it means that you have to depend on yourself a lot more. It's no longer good enough to coast along. You need to motivate yourself. This sounds like it is trivial, but I've seen many first years make a pretty big mess of it because of this. People who used to be the top of their schools get marks in the low 50's and in some cases, fail. So, be aware of this; don't get caught out!
Finally, because of the wide variety of different ideas at University, it is easier to be an individual. This has its pros and cons as you would expect; it means you have the opportunity to be a better person and get involved in a variety of beneficial activities, but at the same time, it may mean you waste your time. There are so many things that you can do that at the beginning you just want to do it all! Also, it can lead to you being caught in the activities of groups that may lead you to things that you might later regret. Put it this way: Give it a second thought before joining BeerSoc.
Muslim Student Association
I would recommend that you get in contact with your local Muslim student association (MSA) as soon as you can (phone numbers of contact people can be found at the end of this article). They can help you in many ways.
A great place to start is Friday congregational prayer. Most MSAs hold Friday prayer on campus. Since attending Friday prayer is considered compulsory from an Islamic point of view (all prayers are compulsory, but Friday prayer in particular must be made as part of the congregation), you will not only be fulfilling your Islamic duty, but it will provide an opportunity for you to get to know your Muslim brothers. ou'll easily spot the people who run MSAs. Explain to them that you're new at the University. They'll be happy to tell you about their activities; in fact, they probably look forward to meeting new Muslims. Most of the MSAs also have some sort of membership. Becoming a member helps them in several ways: it helps them financially a little bit (most associations charge a small membership fee), it provides them with information about people who want to help with Islamic activities and it gives them leverage with the University's administration - the more members a student body has, the more it can get from the University in terms of funding and facilities for Muslims.
In return, these associations offer a wide variety of services that far outweigh the small membership fee. It varies from society to society; but at the very least, you can expect things like social events, lectures, conferences, lessons and discussions. Find out what they offer in terms of events and so on... and check their notice-boards regularly. Also get to know if they have a regular place for prayer.
MSAs can also help in many other ways. MSAs contain people from all levels of all courses; some even have lecturers as members. This is a Really Good Thing (capitalisation intentional). It means that you can ask advice from people who have "been there before". Want help deciding which subjects to choose? Ask someone who has done the course before! You'll find this is a rare opportunity; most of the time, you'll only come into contact with people in the same year. The same applies for help. You'll get to know people who have done your subjects before, and they'll be able to help you work things out in assignments and the like. Most of these people will be happy to help you.
How Should I Act as a Muslim on Campus?
Personal Responsibilities:
We've so far discussed how you may have to adjust to University, and how MSAs can help you, but there is more to being a Muslim on campus. You have certain responsibilities to yourself and to the Muslim community in general, which, no doubt, Allah will reward you for. These are very simple things to do, and they don't take much time. More than anything else, they're really about an Islamic attitude, rather than a prescriptive list of dos and don'ts.
First of all, it is important to be proud of being Muslim. So many Muslims I know hide their Islam, as if it is something to be embarrassed about. This is understandable to a certain extent, given the bad rap that Muslims get in the media today, but it doesn't make it right. There is a lot to be proud of about being Muslim: historically, the activities of the Muslims as scientists and scholars formed the basis for the European Renaissance (a debt which many historians "forget" about), as well as creating a stable, just society for more than 800 years; and morally, being Muslims means that you adhere to a set of beliefs and forms of behaviour that elevate you above those who do not adhere to to these beliefs.
Put it this way: If homosexuals can go on about "gay pride", and the thing that they are proud of is something that Islam considers an abomination; then how proud should we be, knowing that we are on the right path?
What does this imply practically? It means that I should not be ashamed to let people know of my Islamic heritage; whether it be through what I say, what I wear, what I eat, what I spend my time on or whatever. If you're going to pray, say, "Excuse me for a moment, I need to go pray to my God," instead of some made-up excuse, like "Excuse me - I need to meet someone" or the like. Be up front about it when doing your Islamic duties!
Surprisingly, this is not as difficult as it sounds. People usually approach universities with an open mind; and it is likely that they will not mind at all. It may even evoke some curiosity in some people. When I told one person the above, he said, "Gee, do you mind if I watch?" If people see you doing things diligently and with sincerity, they develop a respect for you and your religion, even if they do not believe in it.
The effects of Muslim pride are beneficial in a number of ways. Firstly, it "backs up" other Muslims on campus, who no longer feel as isolated about being Muslims. Seeing someone else who is proud to be Muslim lifts another Muslim's spirit incredibly - when I see someone wearing an Islamic T-shirt, or a sister wearing Hijaab, it still has this effect on me, and I feel like going up to them and congratulating them. Secondly, when people see Muslims being so proud, it invokes curiosity, and interest in them, which may be the door for Allah guiding them to the correct path. You will be surprised how many times you will be asked questions about Islam, without having to do anything "active".
When the opportunities do arise, inform them about Islam; in this way you will be fulfilling your obligation for Da'wah. Don't be too forceful in this, however; as it says in the Qur'an [16:125] "Invite to the Way of your Lord with wisdom, and good, well behaved teaching, and discuss with them in the best way possible." In this way, you may affect their perception of Islam. While they may not become Muslim (although these things are in the hands of Allah, and Allah guides whom He wills to the straight path), they will at least know a little more about Islam, from an authentic source, rather than from some misinformed (or even worse, deliberately misinforming) journalist.
But there is a caveat to all of this, which is: what is the point of being proud of Islam if its effects are not perceived in your actions? Muslim pride should be backed up every step of the way by the corresponding actions. There is no point talking to people about the importance of good manners in Islam if you do not follow it up with your own actions. As clich'ed as it is, "actions speak louder than words" apply particularly in this situation.
Remember that you are a walking example of Islam, and that almost everything you do in public will not only reflect on you, but also to some extent on Islam itself. You should reflect all the attributes that make you proud to be Muslim: honesty, sincerity, trustworthiness, cleanliness, politeness and so on. When people see these characteristics in you, they will not only like you as a person (which they inevitably will, unless it is a group of people the likes of whom you shouldn't be associating with in the first place), they will also be curious as to its origin; and seeing you are Muslim will now have a somewhat more positive image of Islam than they may have had before.
This also means that you should fulfil your Islamic obligations in other ways as well. For example, there is no excuse for you not to pray on campus. As we've mentioned, there are prayer rooms at most universities, and even if there aren't there are many quiet places to be found that can serve as a place to pray. There is no reason not to dress Islamically, since there are no rules about dress (other than those of the general community).
Communal Responsibilities
As well as your responsibilities at a personal level, it is always good to participate in communal activities. As we've already mentioned, there are MSAs at almost all the Universities in Australia. These should be an important component of your student life.
These MSAs have a set of goals they try to achieve. This varies from university to university, but basically these are:
* Spreading the Message of Islam throughout campus and the wider community.
* Making it easier for Muslims to be Muslims on campus by providing facilities for Muslims and lobbying the university administration on Muslims' behalf.
* Educating Muslims about their own religion.
* Defending Islam when it is attacked.
MSAs are special in that they are very multicultural, with Muslims from different parts of the world. Also, most of the members are educated, which makes it a unique Islamic environment in many ways, since these are two of the problems which seem to plague the wider Muslim community.
These MSAs are run by volunteers who probably don't have much more free time than you, so don't expect a "professional service". They put a lot of energy just into keeping MSAs running, and even more effort is involved if special events, such as talks etc are to be held.
The very least you can do to support MSAs is to show up at these events. They are probably free, and you might just learn something useful. Showing up indicates to the organisers that there are people out there interested in Islam and its message. There are few things more disheartening than putting hours and hours of effort into an event (that may even have been requested by the members) and have nobody show up (not even the people who suggested it!!) - it creates a feeling of "why do we bother" in the minds of those who put the effort in.
But that is the bare minimum that Muslims should do. There is so much more that they can help with. Most MSAs are involved in the following to a lesser or greater extent: Da'wah, education, social events, sports, cleaning and maintenance, student tutoring, special committees for sisters, student politics, publications and many others. I'm sure you'll be able to find a niche in any MSA where you will apply your skills! People running MSAs will be more than happy to help you find some way you can contribute.
Feel free to speak your mind and make suggestions; but please don't use "hit and run" technique. By this I mean that you go up to someone working for the MSA and hit them with an idea saying: "This should be done," naming something that you feel is important and then run away expecting it to be done. What you should say is: "We should do this" or "I want to do this for the sake of Islam, how can you support me?" so that you not only make a suggestion but are a critical part of following up on it.
Remember that in any association with more than one person in it, that you are going to get differences of opinion about anything, and MSAs are no different; in fact, perhaps slightly more so because of the wide variety of cultures their members come from. But it is important to remember that these differences are about how we do things, not about the underlying reasons for doing them. The key is not to let these differences of opinion damage or divide Muslims, and to keep it above the personal level, remembering that we are Muslims and that one of the defining characteristics of Muslims is that they love their brothers (the Prophet (s.a.w.) said: "One of you does not truly believe until he likes for himself what he likes for his (Muslim) brother."). Provided that we remember this, differences of opinion are healthy.
May Allah help you adjust to university life, and not to squander the opportunities present there. University, like many things, is not in itself good or bad; it is what you do there that makes all the difference. May Allah guide us all to using us for what he sees best, and may he guide us all to the correct path of action.
Stranger Around Muslims and Non-Muslims
Stranger Around Muslims and Non-Muslims!
(The experiences of a Muslim youth, by an anonymous 16 year old Muslim, Texas)
‹Islam began as something strange and it will return to being strange as it began. So Toobaa (glad tidings) to the strangers.› —Prophet Muhammad (S) [Muslim]
I never felt like a stranger when I was in Kindergarten — I guess I was too young to understand. It wasn't until first grade that I remember feeling different. While my classmates were at Music Class, I stayed behind in our classroom. I sat at my desk watching my teacher grade papers, wondering why I wasn't with the rest. Sure, I understood music was haraam…but why was *I* the one who had to be different from everyone else? I asked myself the infamous question over and over. Why ME?
A month later, I dejectedly watched all my friends and classmates march proudly around the room -- and then the whole school — in their pumpkin, cats, witches, and ghosts costumes, hating the fact that I was the one who had to be Muslim -- and different. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines, and Easter were no different. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, it was the same.
At home and after school, with the few Muslim friends I had in that remote Iowan town, the feeling would be gone and I would think to myself that being Muslim was the greatest thing in the world. Didn't my father just tell me the story of Ibrahim (AS) last night? The one who, at first, was all alone with his Islam? Yet he knew he had Allah. And what about the stories of strong, wise Umar, kind, gentle, truthful Abu Bakr, Allah-fearing, brave Bilal? With them, who needed Santa Clause, St.Valentines, and the Easter bunny-rabbit? They have Thanksgiving to thank God with — we have all year. But once in the classroom, surrounded by my friends and fellow students as they chattered excitedly about what they got for Christmas or where they were going for Easter, the beautiful stories and thoughts were gone, replaced with bitter resentment of my religion.
By fifth grade, things were somewhat better. I was a little older, understood a bit more, but the feeling was always there, especially powerful when I would hand slumber or birthday party invitations back to the owner and tell them politely that I was busy at so and so date. Or when, occasionally in the late spring, classmates would wonder aloud why I never wore shorts or mini skirts.
Up until around fourth grade, my friends were mostly boys. I learned early on that unless you fit in completely, it was hard to become close to most of the girls. They always formed cliques and, especially in the early years, "special clubs". With the boys, it wasn't the same. I secretly thought that usually the girls were awfully dull — boys were always much more exciting. But by the time they were 9 and 10, the boys were starting to form interest in the girls and vise versa. So from then on I was fully an outsider. I fit in with neither group.
I began wearing the scarf that year, but al-hamdulillah, all praise to Allah, it was one of the few things I was extremely honored about doing. I had gone to that same school since first grade so everyone knew me, and it came as no big surprise, seeing my mom come and go with the full hijaab, that I too, would wear it someday. It made it even easier that I never was into clothes, hair or personal appearance, as most of the girls were at that early age of 10 and 11.
During the summer before sixth grade, we moved to another state and my parents decided to home school me, the educational level in the schools at the state not being very high. Al-hamdullilah because it was one of the best choices they ever made. It gave me a full year to learn about myself and why I am here on earth in the first place. I had a lot more awareness and confidence in my religion and myself by the seventh grade, when my father's job forced us to move yet again to another town and I was put back into the public school. This time I was placed in a predominantly African-American school (it had a language-teaching program, Arabic being one of the languages taught), completely opposite from the all-white school I had gone to all my life. Al-hamdulillah, the change was for the better -- they were a lot more accepting of minorities and differences in that school. That wasn't the only "change-for-the-better". This time the issue wasn't the hating of being different. Now, there was a change in me. I hated the way my classmates acted, the things they talked about, the way they dressed. The bottom line was that I hated being with the kufaar. Finally, I loved being different.
That year was the last year I went to public school. My parents decided to home school me from then on, at last fully realizing the effect of public school. "I don't have to be The Stranger anymore!" I remember excitedly writing in my journal in the beginning of eighth grade. Little did I know.
The next year we moved to a city with a large Muslim community. I was really excited, thinking that now, at long last, I would fit in, be where I belonged. I felt like it was a dream come true. And it was…but only partly, if not less.
Every now and then, while I'm talking with another Muslim about how music is forbidden, or why we shouldn't go to the movie theater, or why it's better to wear jilbaab and not just a long skirt and shirt, or why we have to follow the Prophet (S)'s sunnah and not just the Qur'an, I get this sudden pang of, "I'm so different, so strange! WHY?" Sometimes when I'm sitting with a group of Muslim girls around my age, talking, maybe laughing and joking, when the conversation somehow turns to Will Smith or Madonna or the latest make-up tip in Seventeen, a sudden chill goes through my body and I feel as though they're, the lot of them, one thing and I am another. "I'm among Muslims now but I'm still an outsider," I think as I watch them.
But it's not like the years before when I would dislike who I was because I was different. Because now I smile and find strength in remembering the words of Allah's Messenger (S), ‹Glad tidings are for the strangers.›
Note:
All praise is due to Allah Who guided this sister to the safety of His religion. How few stories there are like hers! Let no Muslim parent think that his child "will be fine" living and growing up in the West. Most children (the sister above is a rare exception) who go through the school systems in America or Europe are unable to withstand the corrupting influences of "peer pressure" and an unislaamic education. We ask Allaah to make it easy for us to raise our children in supportive, positive Muslim environments, as He says in the Qur'aan (translated): «Oh you who believe, save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones….» (At-Tahreem)
(The experiences of a Muslim youth, by an anonymous 16 year old Muslim, Texas)
‹Islam began as something strange and it will return to being strange as it began. So Toobaa (glad tidings) to the strangers.› —Prophet Muhammad (S) [Muslim]
I never felt like a stranger when I was in Kindergarten — I guess I was too young to understand. It wasn't until first grade that I remember feeling different. While my classmates were at Music Class, I stayed behind in our classroom. I sat at my desk watching my teacher grade papers, wondering why I wasn't with the rest. Sure, I understood music was haraam…but why was *I* the one who had to be different from everyone else? I asked myself the infamous question over and over. Why ME?
A month later, I dejectedly watched all my friends and classmates march proudly around the room -- and then the whole school — in their pumpkin, cats, witches, and ghosts costumes, hating the fact that I was the one who had to be Muslim -- and different. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines, and Easter were no different. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, it was the same.
At home and after school, with the few Muslim friends I had in that remote Iowan town, the feeling would be gone and I would think to myself that being Muslim was the greatest thing in the world. Didn't my father just tell me the story of Ibrahim (AS) last night? The one who, at first, was all alone with his Islam? Yet he knew he had Allah. And what about the stories of strong, wise Umar, kind, gentle, truthful Abu Bakr, Allah-fearing, brave Bilal? With them, who needed Santa Clause, St.Valentines, and the Easter bunny-rabbit? They have Thanksgiving to thank God with — we have all year. But once in the classroom, surrounded by my friends and fellow students as they chattered excitedly about what they got for Christmas or where they were going for Easter, the beautiful stories and thoughts were gone, replaced with bitter resentment of my religion.
By fifth grade, things were somewhat better. I was a little older, understood a bit more, but the feeling was always there, especially powerful when I would hand slumber or birthday party invitations back to the owner and tell them politely that I was busy at so and so date. Or when, occasionally in the late spring, classmates would wonder aloud why I never wore shorts or mini skirts.
Up until around fourth grade, my friends were mostly boys. I learned early on that unless you fit in completely, it was hard to become close to most of the girls. They always formed cliques and, especially in the early years, "special clubs". With the boys, it wasn't the same. I secretly thought that usually the girls were awfully dull — boys were always much more exciting. But by the time they were 9 and 10, the boys were starting to form interest in the girls and vise versa. So from then on I was fully an outsider. I fit in with neither group.
I began wearing the scarf that year, but al-hamdulillah, all praise to Allah, it was one of the few things I was extremely honored about doing. I had gone to that same school since first grade so everyone knew me, and it came as no big surprise, seeing my mom come and go with the full hijaab, that I too, would wear it someday. It made it even easier that I never was into clothes, hair or personal appearance, as most of the girls were at that early age of 10 and 11.
During the summer before sixth grade, we moved to another state and my parents decided to home school me, the educational level in the schools at the state not being very high. Al-hamdullilah because it was one of the best choices they ever made. It gave me a full year to learn about myself and why I am here on earth in the first place. I had a lot more awareness and confidence in my religion and myself by the seventh grade, when my father's job forced us to move yet again to another town and I was put back into the public school. This time I was placed in a predominantly African-American school (it had a language-teaching program, Arabic being one of the languages taught), completely opposite from the all-white school I had gone to all my life. Al-hamdulillah, the change was for the better -- they were a lot more accepting of minorities and differences in that school. That wasn't the only "change-for-the-better". This time the issue wasn't the hating of being different. Now, there was a change in me. I hated the way my classmates acted, the things they talked about, the way they dressed. The bottom line was that I hated being with the kufaar. Finally, I loved being different.
That year was the last year I went to public school. My parents decided to home school me from then on, at last fully realizing the effect of public school. "I don't have to be The Stranger anymore!" I remember excitedly writing in my journal in the beginning of eighth grade. Little did I know.
The next year we moved to a city with a large Muslim community. I was really excited, thinking that now, at long last, I would fit in, be where I belonged. I felt like it was a dream come true. And it was…but only partly, if not less.
Every now and then, while I'm talking with another Muslim about how music is forbidden, or why we shouldn't go to the movie theater, or why it's better to wear jilbaab and not just a long skirt and shirt, or why we have to follow the Prophet (S)'s sunnah and not just the Qur'an, I get this sudden pang of, "I'm so different, so strange! WHY?" Sometimes when I'm sitting with a group of Muslim girls around my age, talking, maybe laughing and joking, when the conversation somehow turns to Will Smith or Madonna or the latest make-up tip in Seventeen, a sudden chill goes through my body and I feel as though they're, the lot of them, one thing and I am another. "I'm among Muslims now but I'm still an outsider," I think as I watch them.
But it's not like the years before when I would dislike who I was because I was different. Because now I smile and find strength in remembering the words of Allah's Messenger (S), ‹Glad tidings are for the strangers.›
Note:
All praise is due to Allah Who guided this sister to the safety of His religion. How few stories there are like hers! Let no Muslim parent think that his child "will be fine" living and growing up in the West. Most children (the sister above is a rare exception) who go through the school systems in America or Europe are unable to withstand the corrupting influences of "peer pressure" and an unislaamic education. We ask Allaah to make it easy for us to raise our children in supportive, positive Muslim environments, as He says in the Qur'aan (translated): «Oh you who believe, save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones….» (At-Tahreem)
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
from Islam - The Modern Religion
Newsgroups: soc.religion.islam
Subject: Re: Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
XXXX wrote: Hello. As a recently married Muslim, I was hoping someone could refer me to sources which can guide me as to what is permissible in Islam between a man and his wife. I once heard of an Islamic book called "Perfumed Garden"? Is there such a publication? Or could someone suggest other sources. In particular, I needed to know what the five schools of thought advised on oral sex or fellatio. Please email or post responses. Thank you.
Reply
alssalaamu 3alaykum
May Allah bless you and your wife with his blessing and unite you in harmony and happiness.
The book you mentioned, "The Perfumed Garden", was written in Tunisia in the 16th century A.D. by Cheikh 'Omar bin Sidi en-Nefzawi. It is a sort of marriage manual written in a rather provocative and lewd style. Even the author himself acknowledges its lascivious nature by ending it with these words: "I have indeed committed a sin by writing this book. Forgive me O Thou to whom we call not in vain. O Allah, do not confound me for this on the Day of Judgment. And you, O Reader, I beg you to say 'Amen'." The book is an interesting historical and cultural oddity; it is not to be recommended as an educational manual for married couples.
The principles of conjugal love in Islam are few and uncomplicated.
1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.
2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.
3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says, "Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)
4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.
5. There are ahadith that forbid anal intercourse and scholars generally agree that it is not permissible. However, in his tafsir (commentary) Tabaari (3d century A.H.) while forbidding sodomy, says that earlier authorities were divided on the question.
6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.
7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices: "Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."
Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.
The question of the lawfulness of oral-genital contact is difficult because there are many opinions. For some, it is forbidden. For others, tolerated. For some it is lawful. Some consider it to be lawful as long as the couple use such contacts as foreplay and conclude their love-making with vaginal intercourse.
I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.
Peace to all who seek God's face.
from Islam - The Modern Religion
Newsgroups: soc.religion.islam
Subject: Re: Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
XXXX wrote: Hello. As a recently married Muslim, I was hoping someone could refer me to sources which can guide me as to what is permissible in Islam between a man and his wife. I once heard of an Islamic book called "Perfumed Garden"? Is there such a publication? Or could someone suggest other sources. In particular, I needed to know what the five schools of thought advised on oral sex or fellatio. Please email or post responses. Thank you.
Reply
alssalaamu 3alaykum
May Allah bless you and your wife with his blessing and unite you in harmony and happiness.
The book you mentioned, "The Perfumed Garden", was written in Tunisia in the 16th century A.D. by Cheikh 'Omar bin Sidi en-Nefzawi. It is a sort of marriage manual written in a rather provocative and lewd style. Even the author himself acknowledges its lascivious nature by ending it with these words: "I have indeed committed a sin by writing this book. Forgive me O Thou to whom we call not in vain. O Allah, do not confound me for this on the Day of Judgment. And you, O Reader, I beg you to say 'Amen'." The book is an interesting historical and cultural oddity; it is not to be recommended as an educational manual for married couples.
The principles of conjugal love in Islam are few and uncomplicated.
1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.
2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.
3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says, "Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)
4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.
5. There are ahadith that forbid anal intercourse and scholars generally agree that it is not permissible. However, in his tafsir (commentary) Tabaari (3d century A.H.) while forbidding sodomy, says that earlier authorities were divided on the question.
6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.
7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices: "Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."
Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.
The question of the lawfulness of oral-genital contact is difficult because there are many opinions. For some, it is forbidden. For others, tolerated. For some it is lawful. Some consider it to be lawful as long as the couple use such contacts as foreplay and conclude their love-making with vaginal intercourse.
I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.
Peace to all who seek God's face.
Monday 21 February 2011
NIKAH: HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS
NIKAH: HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Have you ever pondered over the Khutbah which the Imaam recited to you before you enthusiastically uttered ‘Nakahtuhaa Wa Qabiltuhaa Wa Tazawwajtuhaa?’
Let me help you and shed some light over this contract which you have made yourself party to, that is ‘The Nikah Contract’. The Imaam recited to you three verses from the Noble Qurãn:
Surah Nissa (4) verse 1
O Mankind Fear your guardian Lord who created you from a single soul, and He created from it its mate and from them He scattered many men and women…
Surah Aale Imraan (3) verse 102
O Ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except in a state of Islam.
Surah Ahzaab (33) verse 70
O Ye who believe. Fear Allah and make your utterances straight.
TAQWA
The common element in each of these verses is the Arabic word ‘Taqwa’ (God Consciousness). In these verses you are reminded to fear Allah Taãla in the manner you treat the lady you are taking as your wife. There is no one to see the way you conduct yourself within your home. Let the fact and belief that Allah is watching guide you in your treatment of the woman you have made your wife by granting her the respect and dignity she deserves.
You have brought somebody’s daughter into your own home. She left her family, her friends, close associates and in many cases even the town that she grew up in and she came to a strange environment just to share the rest of her life with you. Was she handed over to you to be a target of your physical and verbal abuse?
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said in connection with the treatment of animals: ‘Fear Allah in your treatment of these animals who cannot speak.’ If this was his concern for the animals, how tremendously greater would his concern have been for humans; therefore, can you imagine what his reaction would have been to the wife battering that takes place nowadays?
What then are the most important ingredients of a happy marriage? Allah Taãla says in Surah Roum (30) verse 21.
‘And from amongst His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves partners, that you may live in tranquility with them, and He has created love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.’
It is this love and mercy that strengthens the bond of marriage. The ability to overlook each other’s faults goes a long way in cementing the relationship. Once a man came to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) and said, ‘O Allah’s messenger, how many times should I forgive the wrongs of my slaves.’ The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) replied, ‘Forgive them seventy times a day.’ If a worker is entitled to so much of compassion what about your lifelong companion?
BEST OF YOU
Today, we are very courteous to our clients, appreciative to our colleagues and cheerful to our friends. Unfortunately this warmth is not extended to the poor wife who is most deserving of this courtesy and charm. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said, ‘The most complete of believers in faith are those who are best in character. The best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ (Mishkat)
Every person has shortcomings. It is therefore quite natural to find this in your partner. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) has advised us to take pleasure in the good and overlook the bad. Have you ever spared the thought that there may be so many habits which you possess that may be bringing grief to your wife? She may have been patiently bearing it not wanting to hurt your feelings.
Let us go back and fulfil the demands of this contract.
TREAT YOUR WIFE AS YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR SON-IN-LAW TO TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER.
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Have you ever pondered over the Khutbah which the Imaam recited to you before you enthusiastically uttered ‘Nakahtuhaa Wa Qabiltuhaa Wa Tazawwajtuhaa?’
Let me help you and shed some light over this contract which you have made yourself party to, that is ‘The Nikah Contract’. The Imaam recited to you three verses from the Noble Qurãn:
Surah Nissa (4) verse 1
O Mankind Fear your guardian Lord who created you from a single soul, and He created from it its mate and from them He scattered many men and women…
Surah Aale Imraan (3) verse 102
O Ye who believe! Fear Allah as He should be feared and die not except in a state of Islam.
Surah Ahzaab (33) verse 70
O Ye who believe. Fear Allah and make your utterances straight.
TAQWA
The common element in each of these verses is the Arabic word ‘Taqwa’ (God Consciousness). In these verses you are reminded to fear Allah Taãla in the manner you treat the lady you are taking as your wife. There is no one to see the way you conduct yourself within your home. Let the fact and belief that Allah is watching guide you in your treatment of the woman you have made your wife by granting her the respect and dignity she deserves.
You have brought somebody’s daughter into your own home. She left her family, her friends, close associates and in many cases even the town that she grew up in and she came to a strange environment just to share the rest of her life with you. Was she handed over to you to be a target of your physical and verbal abuse?
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said in connection with the treatment of animals: ‘Fear Allah in your treatment of these animals who cannot speak.’ If this was his concern for the animals, how tremendously greater would his concern have been for humans; therefore, can you imagine what his reaction would have been to the wife battering that takes place nowadays?
What then are the most important ingredients of a happy marriage? Allah Taãla says in Surah Roum (30) verse 21.
‘And from amongst His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves partners, that you may live in tranquility with them, and He has created love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.’
It is this love and mercy that strengthens the bond of marriage. The ability to overlook each other’s faults goes a long way in cementing the relationship. Once a man came to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) and said, ‘O Allah’s messenger, how many times should I forgive the wrongs of my slaves.’ The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) replied, ‘Forgive them seventy times a day.’ If a worker is entitled to so much of compassion what about your lifelong companion?
BEST OF YOU
Today, we are very courteous to our clients, appreciative to our colleagues and cheerful to our friends. Unfortunately this warmth is not extended to the poor wife who is most deserving of this courtesy and charm. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) is reported to have said, ‘The most complete of believers in faith are those who are best in character. The best of you are those who are best to their wives.’ (Mishkat)
Every person has shortcomings. It is therefore quite natural to find this in your partner. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) has advised us to take pleasure in the good and overlook the bad. Have you ever spared the thought that there may be so many habits which you possess that may be bringing grief to your wife? She may have been patiently bearing it not wanting to hurt your feelings.
Let us go back and fulfil the demands of this contract.
TREAT YOUR WIFE AS YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR SON-IN-LAW TO TREAT YOUR DAUGHTER.
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